FamilyLife Blog

Why Some Married Women Watch Porn

by | Jun 2, 2020 | Marriage, Sex

Porn isn’t just a man’s problem. Thirty-five percent of online porn users are women. But women are attracted to porn for different reasons than men. In this video, relationship expert Sheila Wray Gregoire explains how to be aroused by your spouse again if porn has negatively affected your sex life.

Video Transcript:

Porn is no longer just a “man’s problem.” 35% of online porn viewers are now women. We women are getting into porn, too — and it isn’t helpful. In fact, it is messing up our sexuality completely.

However, women often get into pornography for very different reasons than men do. Men get into porn because they are visually stimulated, it looks great, they get aroused, etc. Women get attracted by porn, not because it is visual in the same way as it is with men, but because they are attracted to the idea of being wanted. They picture themselves as that woman. That, by the way, is why women are more aroused by naked women than naked men. They are picturing themselves as that woman who is really wanted and desired, and even objectified in youth. That can be arousing, too.

Sometimes it begins because girls have seen pornographic images when they are teenagers or children. It feels good, they get aroused, and then here is what happens: they get married and are expected to have sex, even when they are tired.

She doesn’t find it arousing and he is mad because she never has an orgasm and she is not really into it. So all of a sudden, the fantasies she saw when she was little come back into her head. She finds that “Oh, wow. Now I can get aroused.” It becomes a way to short-circuit the pleasure.

When a woman pictures these images, sex goes faster and he is none the wiser. He is happy because she is enjoying it. She begins to think that this is really working, so she begins to seek out more and more porn. What she is actually doing is disassociating. She isn’t present when she is making love, she is picturing something else. She thinks this is helping her sex life.

However, it isn’t improving her sex life because it is making a barrier between her and her husband. Now the focus is not about making love with him, it’s about trying to make her body feel good. But, what he is doing isn’t making her feel good. It is what she is picturing in her head that is.

For women, their number one sex organ is their head. It doesn’t matter what the man is doing, if the woman’s head is not in the game, she is not going to respond. If what she is picturing are images she has seen before to get an arousal, she is not really making love to her husband.

So, if you are female and you are using porn, it has got to stop. You are doing it to short circuit your arousal. If you want to be present with your husband and truly experience love with him, you are going to have to stop the porn.