Children Add Strain to Marriage

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Children Add Strain to Marriage

7 Things We Learned in 7 Years of Marriage
It’s our anniversary. Here are 7 things we’ve learned in the first 7 years of marriage.

Fourth Thing:

I (Tim) remember being shocked when I saw this graph is from Daniel Gilbert’s bestselling book, “Stumbling on Happiness”. It that shows marital satisfaction decreases when children are born, and does not rise until children leave for college!

These results are from four separate studies. (Note: The sharp contrast in the graph is a bit deceiving. The numbers on the left start at 46 and end at 56, but I’m pretty sure marital satisfaction in the studies was measured on a scale of 1 to 100.)

This graph is from Daniel Gilbert’s bestselling book, “Stumbling on Happiness” and shows the results of four separate studies. (Note: The sharp contrast in the graph is a bit deceiving. The numbers on the left start at 46 and end at 56, and I’m pretty sure marital satisfaction in the studies was measured on a scale of 1 to 100.)

Now, having two young children, I can see how this is very true. I love my two girls. They bring me so much joy. But they also bring me so much work.

There is so much responsibility that comes with parenting – these little people rely on us to survive, to grow, and to be happy. Olive and I cannot put off or ignore the work of parenting.

        They need to eat.
        They need to be clothed.
        They need to be cleaned.
        Our children need to sleep.

That leaves much less ‘us’ time.
        Less time for dating.
        Less time for movies together.
        Less time for going out to eat.
        Less time for sex.
        Less time for conversation.

There is no doubt that our marital satisfaction has decreased since having children. Maybe other couples are somehow able to keep their marital satisfaction the same after having kids (if this is you, please contact me and let me know your secret… as long as your secret is not being super rich and having 3 nannies, 4 servants, and a chauffeur.)

The reality of how parenting affects marital satisfaction has made me appreciate how intentional Olive and I were in building a strong foundation in our marriage in the early years. We were able to create memories together by travelling and trying new experiences. We learned to fight well and resolve conflict. We read books, talked to mentors, attended conferences to learn how to build our marriage. We built a deeper friendship by having fun together and enjoying each other’s company. We developed a shared and compelling vision for our life together. Each of these things have helped to develop a strong foundation for our marriage, which has handled the additional strain that comes with raising children.

1st thing: Appreciation Strengthens Marriage

2nd thing: Margin Helps Our Marriage

3rd thing: As Strong as the Weakest

5th thing: Bring Out the Best

6th thing: Waiting Together, the Hard Times

7th thing: Rich Traditions

Written by Tim and Olive Chan

Tim and Olive Chan

Olive is a friendly introvert and recovering perfectionist. Tim is a cheerful pessimist and always thinking. He especially enjoys being a husband to Olive and father to Alena and Kayla. Tim currently works as the Marketing Strategist for Coracle Marketing, and Olive is the writer and web designer. They started Coracle Marketing together in 2013. Olive has been a contributor to Converge Magazine, SheLoves Magazine, and Hello VanCity.