Today I am going to take a different approach to the term safe sex. I want to look at the safety of sex in a monogamous marriage. Due to responses I have received from my post on unmet expectationsI wanted to address safety in the marriage bed.

Here is a quote from one of the responses, “I cried myself to sleep for yrs throughout a 14 yr marriage …” It goes on to describe the pain and loss this woman felt due to being abused in her marriage specifically in their sex life. Yet she didn’t even know she was abused. Her spirit knew this was not right but in reaching out for help the resources she found were hurtful and allowed the abuse to continue due to a distorted view on how a wife should respond.

The reason I decided to tackle this topic is simple; this is wrong and there are many hurting people who need real help. Marriage is about two people and the marriage bed is a place for MUTUAL (shared in common) positive experiences.

Here are some words you need to ask yourself, “Do I feel these things in my marriage bed?”
Able/willing to communicate
Knowledge that my needs and desires are important too
This is about both of US, not just one or the other
Growing intimacy
That we know each other in a way unique to the two of us (in a good way).
This is about the two of us, no one else, (remembered, imagined, pictured, on a screen etc.)

I give this list with caution. There are many happily married people who do not feel all of these things all of the time. There is definite ebb and flow in the seasons of monogamous marital sex. So look at this list and give yourself a general idea of yes I have felt those things at one point in my marriage, or I feel most and am working on _____.

If this list feels like foreign words when related to sex, that is an indicator for you that you need help.

Getting help is a very wise step to take. Getting a good book is a great starting point. Talking to someone can be very helpful, be careful who you choose. Choose someone who is trustworthy and has a healthy idea of what marriage is for both of you.

There are no quick fixes or one answer that is right for everyone, you are unique and so is your situation.

Here at FamilyLife we have we have mentors that can help. Mentors are trained volunteers with real world experience and can often help to offer a second opinion, a listening ear or other resources. These are big issues you’re dealing with and mentors are the best resource we have to help work through them.

If you decided to give it a try, mentor would email you using our secure system, The Mentor Center (TMC). TMC ensures your privacy by protecting your information. If you want to keep talking, just hit reply. The conversation is confidential and non-judgmental. You can keep talking to your mentor as long as you like and there is never a fee.

Whether you find a friend, choose a counselor, or talk to our mentors, there is help available.

Here are a couple of books I recommend:

For women:   Intimate Issues by Dillow and Pintus
For both:  Intimacy: a 100 day guide to lasting relationships by Douglas Weiss

Written by Ella Weck

Ella holds an MA in Counselling Psychology. She married Darcy in 1989, they have three children. She is currently enjoying parenting young adults. Ella loves to read, learn, roller-blade, play board games and socialize.