Today I am going to take a different approach to the term safe sex. I want to look at the safety of sex in a monogamous marriage. Due to the responses I received from a prior post on unmet expectations, I wanted to address safety in the marriage bed.
Here is a quote from one of the responses, “I cried myself to sleep for yrs throughout a 14 yr marriage …” It goes on to describe the pain and loss this woman felt due to being abused in her marriage specifically in their sex life. Yet she didn’t even know she was abused. Her spirit knew something was not right but when she reached out for help, the resources she found were hurtful and fostered the abuse to continue, based on a distorted view on how a wife should respond. I find this heartbreaking.
The reason I decided to tackle this topic is simple; this is wrong and there are many hurting people who need real help. Marriage is about two people and the marriage bed is a place for MUTUAL (shared in common) positive experiences.
Here are some words you need to ask yourself, “Do I feel these things in my marriage bedroom?”
Able/willing/safe to communicate
Knowledge that my needs and desires are important too;
This is about both of US, not just one or the other;
That we know each other in a way unique to the two of us (in a good way).
This is about the two of us, no one else, (remembered, imagined, pictured, on a screen etc.)
I give this list with caution. There are many happily married people who do not feel all of these things all of the time. There is a definite ebb and flow in the seasons of monogamous marital sex. As you look at this list, is there a general sense of “Yes I have felt those things at one point in my marriage, or I feel most and am working on _____.”
If this list feels like foreign concepts when related to sex, that is an indicator that you may need help. Trust your gut in deciding.
Getting help is a very wise step to take. Getting a good book is a great starting point. Talking to someone can be very helpful, be careful whom you choose. Choose someone who is trustworthy and has a healthy idea of what marriage is for both of you.
There are no quick fixes or one answer that is right for everyone, each couple and individual is unique and so is the situation.
Couples’ counselling may be a good choice, or individual counselling to investigate some of the underlying issues, can also be helpful.
Here at FamilyLife we have we have mentors that can help. Mentors are trained volunteers with real-world experience and can often help to offer a second opinion, a listening ear or other resources. These are big issues you’re dealing with and mentors are the best resource we have to help work through them.
If you decided to give it a try, mentor would email you using our secure system, The Mentor Center (TMC). TMC ensures your privacy by protecting your information. If you want to keep talking, just hit reply. The conversation is confidential and non-judgmental. You can keep talking to your mentor as long as you like and there is never a fee.
Whether you find a friend, choose a counselor, or talk to our mentors, there is help available.