Here’s the awful truth that many wives discover as soon as they’re married: sex sometimes is kind of blah. In fact, it’s a lot more blah than she ever thought it would be. But in the movies and in magazines it’s always presented as something breathless, rapturous, and amazing. We get the impression that is what sex is supposed to be. It’s always going to be an amazing, earth-shattering experience.

Then, when we know that we’re not really in the mood for an amazing, earth-shattering experience, we feel like it would be dishonest to go ahead and have sex. So we don’t do anything at all. We roll over and say goodnight and wait for a night where we might actually be breathless and wanting it–even if such nights only occur about every six weeks (or six months), if we’re lucky.

But here’s the truth about female libido: normally we aren’t breathless until we start making love. Our libido isn’t like a man’s; we don’t typically feel “hot” before we start. We usually need some stimulation to help things get goingAnd interestingly, the more women have sex, the easier it is to become aroused. The less often women have sex, the harder it is to become aroused. It’s not like if we deprive ourselves for a long time, that makes it even hotter. It’s actually the opposite. The less you do it, the less you want to do it. Your body just forgets about its sex drive.

Have you ever heard the term maintenance sex? Maintenance sex is not a Hollywood idea where every encounter is supposedly incredible.  Maintenance sex is a real marriage term. In real marriage I think maintenance sex is important. It keeps the juices flowing, so to speak.  So maintenance sex is not just about pleasing him; it’s sort of like making love as a promise to him and to yourself:  I’m doing this because sex is important in our relationshipI’m doing this because I believe sex is great, even if the earth doesn’t always move for me. And I’m doing this because I know that the earth will move for me soon, even if it’s not tonight.

Now, if the earth NEVER moves for you, check out Why Doesn’t Sex Fell That Good to Me?  To Love Honor and Vacuum, my blog has numerous other articles about women and sex.

Remember that maintenance sex helps him feel good about the relationship, keeps you connected, and helps your own libido. So don’t forget about sex until you really want to. Make love regularly. It doesn’t have to take a ton of time.  Just throw yourself into it, and you’ll likely find that your improved attitude makes it a lot more fun!

Written by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire, a born entrepreneur, writes for numerous magazines and speaks to a variety of audiences across North America, combining the realities of a family with Scripture for real-world, real-biblical answers. In addition, she and her husband, Keith, “tag team” homeschool their kids. Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (Zondervan, 2012). To visit her blog go to