I’m going to start with something really basic. Men want to be wanted. They don’t want to be placated. So when it comes to intimacy, we women need to step up to the plate a little bit more. You may think you’re meeting his needs because you’re making love a few times a week, but he won’t feel loved unless you put some energy and enthusiasm into it! That can be hard for us women.
I wrote Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight to talk about this topic. In a nutshell, here’s what I think: for women, sex is in our head. It is not a physical need for women the way it is for men. So if we wait for the urge to hit us, we may be waiting a long time! Because it is in our head, if we decide to throw ourselves into it, our bodies will likely follow!
So often we lie there in bed, with this conversation running through our heads: “Do I want to? Does he want to? Will he be upset if we don’t? Am I too tired? If we start now, what time will I actually get to sleep? How much sleep do I need tonight, anyway? But maybe I do want to and I’m just wasting time? Or do I need the sleep?”… And it goes on and on and on.
If we put a stop to that conversation and decide to jump in enthusiastically, chances are our bodies would follow. As would our husbands! I don’t mean every night. But enough so that you both feel connected and close.
So rest up, get the chores done, and de-stress your life so you have energy for him. In the end, it’s amazing how much better your marriage will be!
I know this can be a challenge if sex is physically or emotionally difficult, or if your husband is addicted to pornography. Then it feels degrading. I deal with all of this in my book. Let me just say that God doesn’t want you to degrade yourself. If your marriage needs healing from past issues, God is big enough for that, too. Commit yourself to not losing hope, and let your husband know you want to enjoy intimacy, too! That’s the best gift you can give to both of you in your marriage.
Recommended Resources for healing from past issues
Healing from Your Past by Barbara Wilson
Wounded Heart by: Dan Allander