Author and speaker, Gary Thomas, discusses how to abandon expectations based on past sexual experiences in order to satisfy the unique desires and preferences of your spouse. In this video, he clearly outlines how to save a decade of frustration. Listen to what he has to say. It could really improve the sexual intimacy you have with your spouse.
Honesty has to begin with jettisoning (abandoning) the past. When I’ve worked with couples, and this is true of most couples, so I’m not just knocking people down.
But the reality is most of us go into marriage with some prior sexual experience. One challenge I’ve seen is the case of a man, where he had been fairly active before he got married. Now he and his wife were faithful. They wanted to do it the right way. But they got married, and for about a decade in their marriage, she was so frustrated in the bedroom and he was frustrated with her. They got together with a counselor and he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She just can’t be pleased!” She said, “But, I just don’t like that.” He goes, “But women do like that.” The counselor finally broke in and said, “Not this woman, and she’s the only one that matters.”
See, he had this notion that “this is what women like.” But when we’re in the bedroom, in a marriage, there’s only one person in the world to you. You’ve got to look at your wife as Eve, the only woman in the world. As Adam, the only man in the world. That’s why they were so supremely happy in marriage. They literally had no one to compare each other to. There was no guy who was taller, or stronger, or bigger. There was no woman who was curvier, or thinner, or more intelligent, or more witty. They were just there for each other. You’ve got to let go of all of the past, repent of it, flush your mind and say, with humility, “How do I figure out what really pleases this woman?” “How do I figure out what really pleases this man?”
Past experience could be harmful, it could mislead you. Every body is unique. Every mind is unique. The hurts in our souls are unique. You’ve got to find out that person. I think the best way to start that conversation is with humility. Assume you know nothing. Assume that you haven’t guessed right, and just say, “Help me find out what’s fulfilling for you. Help me find out what makes you feel cherished and loved and safe and secure.” Because I’ve seen couples go through a decade of frustration because they don’t want to have a painful 30 minute conversation.
It’s so much better… have the conversation, and be set free, then enjoy what God has created.